The Truth Ain’t always Pretty but it will Set you Free

When I began consciously awakening in 2012, utilizing tools such as plant medicines, life coaches and spiritual mentors, my eyes started opening up to agreements and ‘contracts’ I had made unconsciously in this lifetime as well as other existences. My ego, this part of me who was doing the contracting, was endlessly seeking for things outside of myself including more attention, admiration, status, money, you name it – all to fill a void within that I could never seem to fill or satisfy. And in true survival-based fashion, I did whatever I had to in order to grab hold of these things which I thought I so desperately needed. Coming from this scarcity lens, I was willing to make agreements that scratched the never-ending itch on my back, bringing some momentary relief, but never brought me true fulfillment, joy or peace.

In making these unconscious agreements – and they were unconscious because I was blindly being driven by my ego, this fear-based perspective – I had matched myself with requirements, systems, structures and relationship dynamics that kept me playing out old, painful scenarios. For instance, I agreed to relationships with men (or should I say boys) who took advantage of my kindness, blamed me for their every emotional upset, lied to and cheated on me. Why? Because again, I was primarily choosing from my ego, this part of me which lives in a survival and fear-based world. This part of me was desperate for a boyfriend and because of this desperation, I compromised my own integrity and well-being so that I could experience a little sweet, romantic connection (even if it was mixed with emotional and mental abuse.) I didn’t have the wherewithal, ability, or tools to move into a belief that I was deserving of something better. But thankfully I was learning and growing from each of these types of situations.

Now, some people go through the motions of their life never truly realizing the limiting dynamics, beliefs and systems they’ve agreed to. They think: ‘Well, this is just the way the world is, the way men are, the way my life is going to be, and it SUCKS, but what can ya do… sigh.’ And for those people, I have the utmost compassion because I felt like that for a long time too. But at some point I just couldn’t continue to live under those conditions and I set out to better understand myself and my life’s inner-workings. I said, “This sucks and this can’t be the only way.” And eventually I discovered that it wasn’t!

What had to give? Well, first I had to be willing to face the “ugly truths” of what I had previously, and unconsciously agreed to. I had to peak under the hood of my consciousness and take responsibility for my part in co-creating these challenging dynamics which I wanted so badly to change. I asked questions like: What had my intentions been as I entered into these kinds of relationships? What had been driving me? What were my priorities? I slowly began to realize just how involved I was in aligning to those situations. That boyfriend who constantly accused me of being the root of all of his problems and tried to manipulate me to think so too? I had to admit to myself that one of the main driving forces for my attraction to him was, yes I’ll say it: his hotness! So I was putting myself through emotional abuse because I was ranking my partner’s looks as a higher priority than my own emotional well-being. It wasn’t easy to look at but I had to be honest with myself.    

Whether we are facing the parts of us that unconsciously hurt others because of our own self-interest or facing the parts of us that compromised our own well-being out of a need for survival, or whatever the case, what’s most important is that we learn to forgive ourselves and those involved. Although I’m not religious, I like how Jesus put it, “They know not what they do.” You know not what you do when you’re acting unconsciously from survival mode. It doesn’t mean you have no responsibility for how you treat yourself and others but there are limitations to your awareness. You only have so much capacity because most of your energy is being spent on trying to survive. So although it can feel rotten to look at those parts of you that have acted in narcissistic, desperate, or ‘ugly’ ways, it’s important to address them, to stop judging yourself for them and ultimately to forgive yourself. As you shine awareness on those past incidents and parts of you, you may be guided to apologize to someone you’ve hurt (even if it’s years later), or energetically send an honoring prayer to their soul. Or you may simply be guided to surrender the situation to your Higher Self. You can feel into what speaks to you in the moment.

Moving through the ‘muck’ is an important part of the awakening process. Just like a lotus flower cannot bloom without moving through mud, we too are gifted with our greatest growth opportunities when we face and move through what doesn’t necessarily ‘look pretty’ or feel great. What I’ve found is that if you stop running from things that scare you, and you face them head on, they stop looking so scary. When you ‘sit with it all,’ without reacting or judging, but in total neutrality, then you find ultimate freedom within yourself. As you get quiet and allow all of that awareness which is meant to transform you out of fear and separation and into love and unity, then you are doing a huge service not only for yourself but for us all. As we awaken from within, we awaken our outer world as well. When we rise into the fullness of who and what we truly are, we give others permission to do the same.


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